Monday, June 5, 2006
Pathologically leery
 Oh, go away. Feeling pushed and tight – at other peoples' mercies.
I want to break free, with my body, with my talk, my tree which is
my body. I want to grow, to expand outward. OUT. Bill, you are not
the center of my life. I am. My body. Candace Pert says the mind
is for “minding.” The time is more important than the attention.
Men. They are my father. I think I want to fuck my father. I came
today thinking about fucking my father, but he always has his back
to me. Everyone always had their backs to me. They all look away
because I am too ugly. I equated lack of attention with unworthiness.
They were such fucking assholes. They were my enemy.
 He just wants
me to love him. He doesn't want me to know that. He needs to be
able to relax into me. He needs. What does he need? I feel so far
from him. Want to diss. He knows I love him, but it isn't enough.
He doesn't feel safe. I need to listen more to him. Wonder if being
loved by me is like being loved by my mother. Ben believes he deserves
love, but Bill does not. He had a terrible childhood. He wasn't loved.
He wasn't loved. He knows the difference between being loved and
being safe, and he doesn't feel safe with me. Must be weird to
love me. I'm pathologically leery. And he is too. I'm distancing,
figuring out where my arms are and where I'm taking up too much space.
I don't feel as hurt and angry as I have been. When I tap into my
pain, I no longer fall apart. Is that true? I am seriously dissociating,
so maybe I don't know. Love, love, love. The churning cauldron. I
want to get in touch with all this sadness.
Who effected my body image? The Big Three.
1. My grandmother. She hated me. My presence
here, her failure to run my mother's life. My mother married my
father, and then she ruined her life – by having me. I was an other.
Like the cannibals. An other. Like my body. Did I think they might
like me with another body? Yes.
2. My mother – alternately ashamed and jealous.
No wonder I used to be so uneasy in friendships with women. Strong,
hard-assed, stupid women ran my life as a child. Made me hurt and
hate myself.
3. Ben. A new experience. My husband. And a MAN
who hated my body.
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