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February
10, 2006
From an email to Ellie
I'm
really struggling with being at Goddard, and then coming home to
myself. At Goddard I was confronted by some ugly issues I thought
were gone for good, and I'll detail them in packet work, but do
you have any suggestions for dealing with the transition from Vermont
to home, and how to talk with other people about embodiment?
Where do I put embodiment in my life? I'm overwhelming the resources
of the people who love me. Some are afraid I'll change, and others
are overwhelmed by my intensity, emotionality and fear. And I don't
yet have a vocabulary to discuss embodiment or what I'm feeling
since being at Goddard.
I also think I'm afraid to do the embodiment work, not on an intellectual level,
but on a physical level, because it feels like I'm embarking on a spiritual
journey, and I was raised in an aggressively secular manner. I've never done
a spiritual journey, not that I haven't searched for one all my life, and it
feels like that's what this requires. Plus it means digging into some pretty
murky waters.
I really thought I had my head together before I went to Vermont, but my shitty
body image, which I thought had healed, is stabbing me now as much as when
I was a kid. It's like last summer when a friend challenged me to walk over
a big log that fell across a creek. I didn't want to do it, but he kept coaxing,
and I was all about facing my fears, because just the night before, I'd spent
a night alone in the forest. I was feeling fearless, and I didn't want to be
defeated by fear that soon. Maybe he was even trying to crack my veneer.
Anyway, I tried it, but the tree was slimy and I got halfway across and was
afraid to move in either direction. I crawled across the fucking thing, and
when I saw my friend looking at me, I became con-SUMED by the most intense
shame, rage and self-hatred. I'm 48 and usually pretty rational, but I cried
and then I stomped off. I was furious, and he looked at me, like, "What
the fuck just happened?" But
I felt like a kid again. Like he was ridiculing me for being fat, ugly and
ungainly. He wasn't. I just have these really ugly demons that are surrounding
me again.
That's how I feel now. I'm afraid to walk forward in embodiment, but I know
I can't walk back. It's like Goddard ripped me apart, and I can't put myself
back together again. Okay, Alex, that's enough metaphors. But I hope this makes
sense, because it's confusing the hell out of me, and alienating the people
I love. I mean, I'm okay. I really am. But if you have any ideas, I'll take
them. If not, that's okay too. Alex,
> I'm 48
> it feels like I'm embarking on
a spiritual journey
> my intensity, emotionality and fear
I'm putting those three bits together because I think they are very
interestingly related. In my experience perimenopause is a RIDE and
it is also a female lifetime's most extraordinary opportunity. I've
compared it to jet fuel. You can use it to rocket into a larger capability
than you thought you had, and the process at times is hotter than
you thought you could bear. That both is and feels like a spiritual
journey.
> I was raised in an aggressively secular
manner.
Being on this sort of spiritual journey does
not require you to believe in any supernatural stuff - the contrary
is true. It is helpful to stay firmly on the natural ground of
physical world and physical body.
What makes the journey 'spiritual,' in my
experience, is partly a sense that it's about soul, ie some true
and vulnerable core self, and partly that it calls on and receives
help from a larger wiser being (who I understand to be a larger
self that is normally not part of conscious experience).
> I've never done a spiritual journey,
not that I haven't searched for one all my life, and it feels like
that's what this requires.
If you have searched for one all your life, this is certainly the
moment to find one.
Will you tell me what a spiritual journey means to you?
Your note tells me what you're afraid it will be:
> digging into some pretty murky waters.
> shitty
body image
> con-SUMED by the most intense shame,
rage and self-hatred
> like he was ridiculing me
> these really ugly demons that
are surrounding me again
There likely needs to be some dealing with that stuff alright, since
it's what scares you, but what do you WANT it to be?
And what is your best instinct about how to conduct such a thing?
Are there special sorts of taking care of yourself that you need
to practice? Are there things you need to give up for the moment?
You likely already know the answers to these questions.
I'll email the notes from last semester's spirit as body workshops.
The one that might interest you at this moment is II soul welcome.
It's quite a raw document, so just take what you can use and ignore
the rest.
> It's like Goddard ripped me apart, and
I can't put myself back together again.
How did we do that? If what we're doing is
too much too fast, will you help me understand what we should be
doing differently? Was it the focusing workshops? Something at
the embodiment colloquium? Something in the papers you read? The
right side - left side exercise?
> Where do I put embodiment in my life?
> suggestions
for dealing with the transition from Vermont to home
It might help even you out if you concentrate on the intellectual
stuff for a while. Make sure you keep bringing in your work mind
to balance the young scared mind, so the young scared mind doesn't
feel abandoned by your coping self. You need both. Perimenopause
is spectacular for intellect too, make use of it.
> I don't yet have a vocabulary to discuss
embodiment or what I'm feeling since being at Goddard.
> how to
talk with other people about embodiment?
Maybe talk less about it for the moment? Give yourself a chance
to just quietly build your own understanding without having to build
it in the group mind at the same time?
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