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This is the deepest I've ever
gone with journaling. As I wrote, I kept trying to feel
what I have difficulty saying. It was hard and scary, and
at times I was hysterical, crying really hard like a small
child. It took several days just to get up the courage
to read it. I know it's rough and unedited, but it's the beginning
what I'm trying to find.
The difference is, he's good. A heart like
a flower, and a soothing hand. He knows my
scrutiny. my definite corners. He ties my hair
in knots. Lying in chains, the sign deserves an answer.
Her heart is locked in terror. Plain words.
leather gauntlets. Life seams itself together. Silence lies in your chest, tonight is the
time for new repenting. Fear resides in my throat. Fiery tablet, sliding
through the heat of my belly. Cedars fastened loosely. A time of letting
go. scarves and sentries. voice
like bitter cleaves. place your hands in
the center of her neck. blue lips. placid hunger.
her voice is sliced from breastbone to thigh.
you know you want to live. filth, I say, falsetto silences. flame take
my throat, and tell me when to call,
I waste my life, I shave
my skin. silence remembers. always remembers.
suggestible truth. selective ascendancy.
knowledge in the trough that slashes the
night. I am newborn, fearful of heavy hands. seeking
light. I wander. I falter. the sun is splashed with light. My white bedroom.
the limits of the sky. sing to me about wandering. I want to slash my throat. I fear my own volition.
I want to scream break free. feel it feel my
body. shimmer eye. the pointing finger in my
back. I speak in a falsetto. fucking roses. fellatio.
a favor from the dead. I plow in spaces where
the heavenly can't go. I smile in places.
a symphony of sound. the regrets. the silence
of the misunderstood. they wear gray raincoats.
fuck you while you're still. silence me to a lifetime
of errors. the hollow part is the time you
know you'll die. I want to speak in your
tongue. Your graceful, gut wrenching tongue.
your secrets, a million hidden words. body, talks to me through
libido. body finds its way into my brain
through sex- the food of my body. the food
of my mind. sex is my way into my body. my
body has been crying out to be heard. not
suppressed, I have wanted to fuck myself
to death. use sex as a sedative. use sex
as food. use sex as palliative. soporific
all the words I love to use. sex is my sedative.
frustrating a word of need. a girl-woman who
needs her fill of sex. her fill of something
that will run like honey down her chin her
tongue wants to be covered. her tongue wants
to give pleasure to you. bill his need, a sucking
in my mouth. I want him to need me. this
meager gift he denies me. he is afraid of
me he is afraid of me. he loves me I saw
that on the first day of the year. he wants
me needs me I am stronger than I know I am
powerful I am honey, silk, strength and glow.
I am smoke rising, filling my throat
I
don't want to know. I want to stand on
a hillside, surrounded by goats. Cleave
the sky. you are my sorcerer. My gift of
the neck. My turnaround my lover. my throat
is full, it burns. so strongly. my chin
vibrates, my chin is caught between
someone's thumb and forefinger .. this music is voodoo magic to me
freedom hangs like
heaven.
follow all the rules.
your torture swings on dollar shoes.
the difference is in the income.
it doesn't matter.
the mushrooms told you that. none of
it matters. it's all about the mechanism.
passion is to be suppressed.
it's dangerous.
that's the lesson you learned in the crib.
be good.
don't cry out.
what is there to be angry about?
what is there to fear.
you scream, no,
no,
no,
no, why do you scream no? so you are so afraid.
why are you so afraid?
who taught you to be so afraid?
who taught you to follow the rules?
I was traumatized. I am a fucking victim.
get that straight.
this is not a fucking whiner.
this a someone who kept her fucking mouth shut.
this is someone who followed all the rules.
this is a serious
heavy hide of a soul.
you have to carry this heavy hide,
heavy over your shoulder. perfection is as perfection does.
you know how to tell the story. the knee begins.
the truth is in her eyebrows.
taste it.
just taste it. filthy fucking slimeball it isn't the way you do it.
it's the way it feels.
stop pretending.
who are you protecting?
who are you so worried about? You know you are descending. nobody. nobody understands.
understand that, you little piece of shit.
you little rotten, unwanted piece of SHIT.
spell it right. say it succinctly. she never told the truth.
she lied to me.
she lied to me all the fucking time.
she fucking lied to me. how do you LIE TO A CHILD? YOU STUPID FUCKING
BITCH. WHY AM I PROTECTING YOU? why am I always
so fucking nice. stamp this down. be nice,
for Christ's sake, be nice. you miserable piece
of shit. you fucking stupid cunt. I hate you.
I can breathe. I can breathe. I can breathe.
I can't breathe. I can breathe it isn't as
funny as you think. I am afraid of my body.
my throat closes. I feel it close. I am so
fucking goddamn polite. I hate being told what
to do. it isn't easy falling into pieces trying so
hard to be the perfect one. the one who doesn't
feel who needs disingenuous little shit I absorb. I have something wrong with me.
I eat my fingers, for Christ's sake typing, words, not adequate to
say
me
be such awful pain in chin and neck mouth gaping
chest burns, round, whole, shoulders ache Gasping.
eyes ache.
don't need me,
please don't need me.
don't love me,
don't love me
I am fearful of you.
fear why am I so afraid?
my body is bursting through my skin.
talk to me talk to me talk to me
I feel you, body but you fear me. you make me afraid. please don't hurt me
why would my body hurt me?
why would my body hurt me
I am terrified of my body it will hurt me
I am so fucked up
and scary why do I want to call Marty?
Why do I need Marty?
Biill would hate me for being so fucked up feel I was taking away his chance to emote
maybe his emoting scares me maybe I need him
to be solid. maybe I'm afraid of the emoting.
my mother emoted frightened me. I need men
who do not emote, otherwise I am afraid. but
I need them to emote. I need that emotion to
feel like I am loved. I am scary crazy. I try
to type crazy, and I type scary. two times
I am crazy. learn to type this phrase. no more
transcribing. you found your tongue among the
keys. my body responds to you, you know, even
typed in keys. I love you, you know. I love you like my kittens.
I love you like what have I ever loved? what
have I ever known? it frightens me. I am so
frightened no, no, no, no, don't don't don't why
am I saying that I don't want to be a sexual
abuse victim. nobody would believe me. why
can't I talk to my mother about it? because
she would defend. because no one talked
about sex except my mother. why why why am
I so fucked up. why
am I so tight on the trigger of wanting
to make fun of me. my family made fun of me
because I was awkward. I was an awkward,
embarrassing child. not perfect like the beautiful
sunshine, I was awkward. an embarrassment.
never quite enough. not even fucking close.
I was an accident. a mistake. the marriage
was a mistake. he was a mistake.
where did that come
from? I know this is the ideal. I know how clairvoyant
I feel. open up to the fucking truth., open
up to the goddamn nowhere. I am tight chest.
tight chest. bill frightens me. everyone frightens
me I am a door mouse. a giant, husky dormouse
I was ridiculed. I was seen as ridiculous.
I know that. they made fun of me. my chest
feels clear when I finish thinking that. I
am the pain is right in the middle of my chest
the secret is right under my fingers. death
is all around us, life is right under my sleeve.
slide my mind to the right. you earned it in
the prison the slave beneath the bed. what
about the enemas what about the way I hurt
the dog. evil person wanted to make it talk
make it tell me what I needed to know so much
shame and that has to do with sex. why do I
need shame. sex is powerful. sex makes my groin
burn. my groin has burned for days, with a
raw, grating, hungry, burning need. I am on
fire. burning, grinding, roiling, ball of lava
in my groin stop eating myself eating myself alive. why
do I do it? I am crazy. the bang the end the
sentences of the survivors. it isn't the message
that matters it's the ending of the song You always had to edit you always had to suppress
your body it's the way we're supposed
to say it. tied to the bedpost don't let
anyone know, you had allergies, you had digestive
problems, you had vaginal infections you
had asthma you hid food under your bed
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