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May 6 , 2006
Hunger and sexuality
Have I been afraid of my sexuality? Of course. I've
always felt too sexual. I've always been attracted to men who
don't have my passion, my appetites for sex or food or wine.
Ben's the most disciplined person I've ever known. He runs every
day and builds his body. Bil's as thin as a rake. My appetites
are large in comparison to theirs.
But now I'm exploring my sexuality. Playing
with it. Pushing it. Slamming into it. Talking about it with
friends like Gretchen and Maurie. Maurie and I have amazing conversations
about our bodies, and now we're learning to pleasure ourselves
with our hands, rather than with electrical appliances. These
conversations are so freeing. I mean, we all have these thoughts
and part of our bodies, but we deal with them in isolation.
Have I always hidden from my sexuality? No.
I've been pretty frank for the last ten years or so. I don't
think I'm shy about any subject anymore, even cannibalism. But
my sexuality has always been a problem, because I've always felt
like too much. Too much passion, too hungry, too enthusiastic,
too emotional, too impulsive. Appetites...
How do I protect myself from that hunger? I
say awful things about myself to people I love, so we'll both
know that I already know the score. I already know how flawed
I am, so they can't surprise me, and hurt me. I sabotage and
do stupid things to fuck up relationships. I worry more about
the person I love than I do about myself. Sort of, but then their
needs will sideline me. And my worrying comes more out of frightened
obsession than out of a desire to nurture. I neglect myself and
never see self-improvement all the way through, because I'm afraid
of failure - of not being perfect when I'm done. I put myself
down to protect myself.
Of course I'm thinking so much about my birth
lately. I was traumatized. I can't remember it, but I'm trying,
and it's hard, if not impossible. Trying hard to remember. Tired.
Go to sleep. Love yourself. Be outrageous. Don't be afraid. The
ticket. The wound. Go to sleep.
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