| March
10, 2006
Another scary bout of journaling to find the truth
liquid, the thorn within my eye. my eyes
surgery. little kid big eye patch.
(I use the imagery of a thorn in the eye
all the time, but I finally put that together with the fact that
when I was really young - maybe two or three - I had surgery for
a crossed eye... with an ether drip... I remember that horrible smell,
and being forced to breathe it in through a cone)
tornado time the sin is in the
air. Catholic sensibilities. a final time of life. little kid
in a house with a crazy mother, a dying great grandmother. powdered
face. blue wool jacket. she was. no
memory of her. small house in the suburbs. dark corridors. dark
basement. workshop. stairs that split in two. I remember the
book about sex.
my hands are sweating. fire in my
belly. breathe. breathe. this fear isn't me. it's in the air.
don't go away. you. I can talk to you. gives me shivers. be
calm. nothing fits. my blank history. I crush it. squeeze it. a written
encyclopedia. the thorn in my eye. a ball of string. velvet
collar. I wanted so much to be eleven.
my memories, paper thin, edged with blank borders.
(for the first time, I discovered the soothing
quality of breath. Rather than having to go away in my head, if I
just breathe, I can calm myself down, so I wrote it every time I
thought of it) breathe. the soothing
quality of breath. the thing is clarity. so much I don't think
about. the house in Ruxton. shame. Ruxton, Bellona Avenue. walking
in the woods behind my house. so few memories. my mother's memory.
the little house on the hill. sitting by myself on the roof. the
woodpile. the neighbor's dog. I liked he neighbors. the Warners.
no, I loved them. they were lovely and normal. I insinuated myself
into their life, walked through their house when they went away
and let me take care of their dog.
but they didn't like me. George
and Marie. my family's friends. they were never
real or warm. brittle laughs. no one ever
relaxed.
I have no patience for crazy people. I'm better
than my family. I always mopped up after them. they
make me angry. I had to take care of my mother.
I'm channeling
someone else. I am two fucking people. I am channeling someone
else. and it's me. she slips away. she is suffocating. blank
it out. blank out. I'm just a frame on the person I was.
she is just beneath the surface. relax. breathe. this is okay.
I am staying calm. I am not sure if there's any reason to be afraid.
part of me is mean. skeptical. I was there. I
shake my head. I just did it. I am pissed off. an authority figure.
I know a lot of stuff. my body is awash in vibration feeling tightness
in my tongue. throat. wine. I drank when I was 12. I got drunk
at fucking 12. I got my friends drunk. that isn't good. healthy.
it was encouraged. it isn't good.
defending her always. fucking
defending her. crazy, young, mean. slapping me with her words.
never hit me. never. thanks. mom. must have wanted to? Once I
told her to fuck off. don't want to think
about Summerhill. round driveway. I'd sit at the end of the driveway
alone, and wait for boys to drive by and hit on me. wait for
them to notice me. grass under my bare feet. so sad. unhappy I'm
afraid of that time not afraid.
We had to move away from Ruxton, and I didn't
want to leave. I cried, no one listened, it seemed like all summer.
no one listened. I didn't want to leave everyone/everything I'd
ever known. was I happy there? Because I was an outsider at the
next school. math teacher asked if I was okay.
I wasn't.
I am angry. my head is snapping around. breathing
heavy. breathe.
this is scary, but it also feels exhilarating.
remember the woods. exhilaration. feeling nerves. tingling in my
feet. breathe flare in chest. so far from my body. Gretchen. love
her? breathe. she is me. everyone is me.
stop distracting yourself.
stupid fucking cunt. that's what I think of you, you stupid fucking
goddamn slimy stupid bitch. the closet under the stairs. the
story is there in the corridor in front of the cars. car lights.
I'm trying to break through.
I had flashbacks to this time when I was 31.
should I call Ben? I'm okay. breathe. wine spreads through my throat.
I have a voice. I breathe. fingers, hands tingle. surge. surge.
I pick my fingers. eat the flesh. eat my flesh and blood. lick
the blood. swallow. a cannibal. turn into time. thistle. thirst
is in the vine.
stop distracting
myself. floating head. fear of failure. I only fail spectacularly.
I am a good girl. I was a bad girl. Marty hates that kind of
imagery, but I was bad. got high all the time, even though I
didn't like it. weed/acid made me think people hated me. when I
tripped I felt like a piece of Kleenex, scrunched up and wet.
a piece of sniveling shit.
wish I could type in the dark. I feel invaded. I eat myself when
I'm afraid. chewing my finger while I read the scary stuff.
silence it's such a theme. I have validity. fuck
you. I hate you. you fucking piece of slime. I'm so tired of being
nice. I am a censor. a scribe. the murder has been done.
stop sliding into poetry. blank mind.
body, talks to me through libido. libido a direct
route to my thumb. stop falling into poetry. my ability to disengage.
to tap into my undercurrent. my stream. not everyone else can
drop down and dip in like I can. it runs underneath me. a vein
of creativity. I don't want to sound too proud. no,
do not love yourself. do not let yourself believe that you are looking
for someone just like you.
bill. an island, a lone pier to tie
off on. silent. he provides the silence. he is silence. do I type "silence" every
time I think of him? maybe. I don't want to lie. I am so tense.
string running through my leg. a flaccid marionette. strength is
in my bones. sparkle foot. body wants to feel, stretch, flex.
burbling body flame lava. burble lava breathe. go back and
read
the lesson you learned in the crib.
be good.
don't cry out.
be good. don't say no. you don't matter,
measure up. we don't need you. you are an impediment. we don't
need you. that was the message I got. I want to be needed. I wasn't
needed. I needed to feel like I served a purpose. my purpose was
not in simply being. I wasn't loved. I wasn't loved for simply being. I needed to prove that there
was a reason for my being there. why was I there. I wasn't necessary
to anyone. I was an impediment. of course I was. no one wanted me.
of course they didn't. I talk so dispassionately.
I can take anything.
I can take anything. I can prove it by hurting myself as often
as possible. I wasn't wanted by anyone. who would want me? My mother
didn't want me. she wanted to date men. my grandparents didn't
want me. they wanted more out of life than working and taking care
of.
I must be strong. I can't afford anything. I
don't deserve anything. I take up too much space. I am afraid.
I take up too much space. the feeling I had in Lee's narrow waiting
room. my tears were so close. she abandoned me. I don't deserve
any better. I am not pathetic. I am strong. I am always knowing that.
I was surrounded by fucking idiots. I was so much
better than they were . I knew they were fucking drunken idiots.
I was surrounded by stupid fucking clowns. they embarrassed me. I
was better than they were. they should be fucking proud of me. my
mother couldn't do what I've done in a million years. I am bowing
obsequious. I am better than she. she is better than I. I
am better than she is. she owns me. I am so fucking afraid, these
things are obvious. I am stronger than my mother. I am smarter. I
love her. that scares me. must not make her mad no one cares about
me. I am on my own. must not scare me. I am. okay. I wasn't wanted.
do you fucking get that? drink. it will calm you you've
only written two pages. stupid slacker. where did I hear these
angry voices? they are mine. they are mine, telling me to be ready.
to be ready. to be ready for when they came. I had to be self-reliant.
I am smarter than all these fucking people surrounded by people
who weren't as smart as I was. I scared the stupid cowering bastards.
I hated them they embarrassed me. they fucking embarrassed me.
stupid fucking bumbling clowns. they were stupid sodden drunken
idiots. I am protecting them. I am protecting them. They were fucking
idiots. Way beyond just ordinary slimy but seriously assholes.
I am so tight. need to move body, need to move! never typed so much
that my finger hurt. my fingers always hurt. I was embarrassed. breathe.
I have to pee. don't want to stop.
Just got off the phone with Ben. Ben thinks I'm
just taking up space.
very keyed up. Ben makes me feel pulled in and
repelled. good that we played with flashpoints. I have spent a lifetime.
a fucking lifetime
ignoring my breasts
I make mistakes. tied to my life
What is your purpose? very important questions.
why are you here? What is your purpose here with
us?
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