March
11, 2006
the lost innocence of my youth and
the beautiful life I've created
 I
asked my mother to send some pictures from when I was younger, and
when I saw them, I got really sad, because I suddenly realized that
I was pretty when I was young, but I never knew it.
What's
sad is that being pretty and being loved were so important
to me. They might have been all I cared about.
 But
I despised myself and my body. I self-abused. I drank and did acid
(I was tripping when I had my high school picture taken) and I slept
with slimy guys. I lost my virginity in the back seat of a car on the
interstate, with two other boys watching from the front seat. But I
didn't care. I wanted to be abused.
It
isn't so bad that I've lost my beauty and my innocence. What's
bad is that I never knew when I had it. God,
and I look so sad in every picture.
But wait. What's wonderful is that now I have a beautiful
life of my own making, and I'm beyond happy and fulfilled.
 Going
back to school is the FIRST thing
I've ever done just for myself. And I have a great life, with wonderful
friends. I've never been happier.
And you have no idea how hard
I'm trying to knock on wood, but maybe I should banish
that habit. It's the sense I inherited from my mother, of the dropping
shoe dangling over my head. And what if I stopped knocking on wood,
and everything fell apart. But what if it didn't?
Oh anyway, right now I feel
really happy and strong. I'm
creating my art and learning, and growing, and grappling with life
head-on.
 I
even have a strong, healthy relationship with a beautiful man who loves
me for who I am. I want to say thank you, but I worked hard to create
my life, so I'm just going to thank myself.
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