 |
March
20, 2006
Emailing Ellie
Hi Ellie,
I recently read this...
I laugh when I hear that the fish in the water is thirsty.
You don't grasp the fact that what is most alive of all is inside your own house;
and so you walk from one holy city to the next with a confused look!
Kabir will tell you the truth: go wherever you like, to Calcutta or Tibet;
if you can't find where your soul is hidden,
for you the world will never be real!
Kabir (trans. Bly 1971, p.9)
The translation seems awkward and horrid and I don't know much about it,
but I responded strongly to the idea of the body as a home. I want to explore
how important the concept of body as home (taproot, well, temple) has become
to me since starting embodiment studies, how often I had to change houses as
a child and how many times home has cropped up in my life. I married my husband
because he offered me a home. While I was standing in the little garden I started
in our backyard, I thought, "...well no, I'm not in love with him, but he's
a good man who never lies, and at least I'd never have to move again").
And after that, my body felt like it was setting roots into the soil, because
you know how the cool, soft earth feels when it presses up against the soles
of your feet.
I've been fascinated by Christopher Alexander's concept of home for 20 years,
and I have all these weird ties to him. And recently I asked my mother to send
me old photos, and they include lots of images of the homes I've lived in. Plus,
when I'm trying to remember my past, I jog my memory by concentrating on physical
features of the houses we lived in.
I'm fascinated by dissociation and I'm starting to read some neuro stuff, but
after having such a strong reaction to the quote, I'd like to explore this concept
of home/body in my critical essay. What do you think? Maybe I can combine it
with dissociation. About feeling shut out... I need to think about that.
Ellie: (Do you know
Gaston Bachelard on home spaces? The
poetics of space . He looks at how poets evoke space - very
thrilling.)
I found the Kabir quote in a book called The
Expressive Body In Life, Art, And Therapy, by Daria Halprin ,
about using movement, dance, drawing, writing to reconnect with the body. I
think it'll be pivotal.
I'm also trying to decide how to get my mother to talk about my birth story.
What I'm learning about dissociation takes her off the hook in a lot of ways
for actual abuse, and I'm starting to see how losing her husband two weeks
before my birth might dovetail with my dissociation. I want to ask her to write
the story for me. I don't want to interview her face to face. She's a good
writer, and she enjoys writing. On the other hand, she embroiders the truth,
and censors history she doesn't like. So maybe I should get her to talk about
it, and then ask her to write about specific details she might leave out. She
threw herself into looking for pictures for me. She had to drive an hour and
a half to her house in Baltimore, but then I think she left some pictures out.
So I need to hear the story from her, without making her the leat bit defensive.
Ellie: It's mature and good to be able to see the weakness
of those who failed us, but don't forget to balance it with being
fiercely loyal to your young self. Fiercely. I don't mean you need
to act that out with your mom but do something so the young one in
you can hear you turn into a bear in HER protection. Guided fantasy
maybe, or write a story, or role-play with a friend, something.
You were exactly right that learning about the fundamentals of
psychology and now the neuro stuff makes the psych stuff easier
to disengage from - easier to maintain objectivity and compassion.
Because I want to understand and empathize with my mother more
than I want to dig up any dirt. Amazingly, I discovered that
mothers who are as traumatized as she was sometimes create
a need in their children to protect the caretaker. Bowlby. God,
I have so much cool stuff swirling in my head...
|
